Ironically since the happenings of my last blog I have felt closer then I ever did to saida. I also felt for the first time I love her. Or rather I became conscious about that. After that crisis we have tried once how it is for her to be "without Master" for a whole weekend I did not control her. She did not like it but it was no drama. After that things seemed to return to normal as if nothing had happened. But the seeds of change have been sown and what we discussed to have saida exit TTWD have been set in motion.
one of the things I really love about TTWD is that you lean a lot. You learn a lot about the woman who submits to you and through her about a lot of dynamics in relations. You lean also a lot about your self. You have power that forces you to decide what to do with it. And the decisions you make define who you are.
The dilemma I had with saida is that I made her go to a lesbian bar as straight girl to humiliate her and I asked her to have sex with a lesbian girl. It turned out to be much more then just sex with a lesbian girl. They both fell in love with each other and now live together. Her GF is not part of ttwd and she is vanilla. I had to choose if I wanted saida to have this relation. And I choose yes, because I was convinced that saida was on an important cross road. I wanted her to find out who she is and what she is. I wanted (desperately, I would almost say) to do everything right with saida. Doing the right thing became the most important thing to me in this relation we had. I can say now that besides ttwd which is all very nice just like sex for instance, the things that really matter and mattered to me in our relation where the big lines and big picture. I have discovered for sure that this is what I am about and I am happy I know it now. The big picture is that saida has become a better person trough our relation. It sounds almost narcissistic to express this but I think it is the truth. She has gone for too long without love. She has now found love in her GF. She also did not believe it is possible to have a loving relation with a Dom and still be submissive. On the last day of our D/s relation she told me she now believes it is possible. And last but not least the thing happened that undid our relation and that is that she knew what the consequences are from having a relation with somebody. Somebody she loves and for who she is willing to leave the life style she loves so much. With that I lost her as my slave or sub (we have used both terms).
We where going well, exceptionally well in the final weeks. And it felt like shit to break it up. She has been so important to me in a time that it really mattered to me. But keeping her would be like betraying what I wanted her to become. So I am sad and happy at the same time. I miss her. It is only since last Friday we said goodbye.
She was many firsts to me. She was the first girl in ttwd who was already experienced (and battle hardened I may add Up to then I was introducing girls to ttwd who where new to it. She was the first girl in ttwd who identified her self as slave and not sub. And now she is the first girl in absolute who I broke up with because I love her. I have to be quite honest. I am not sure If I would have done that if we would have had more then just an on-line relation. But if that where the case many things would have been different including her not starting a relation with her GF. What matters is that I stepped aside because I love her and because I know that to make her happy in the long run we must end what we had. OK it was an on-line relation but the emotions where real. Her life changing events, and she really had them, where all too real. And I look back on this episode with the satisfaction that everything indicates I did the right things with saida when it mattered. I am sad but I am satisfied at the same time. I hope she will have a happy life. I set her on that path. I hope she will keep on the straight an narrow. Can a Dom want anything more from a D/s relation?
Wednesday 19 November 2014
Monday 6 October 2014
And now for something completely new... well.. almost.
I just ended the most emotional conversation I had with saida since we started our relation. We have had a bit of a crisis last week. What happened only illustrates how fast things can change. It all started with getting to the point where I would actually collar saida. An act that I have not done yet. Our relation is on-line so the easiest way would be that saida buys a collar and I pay for it. At least I thought so. The easiest thing was to agree on the collar. The collar would be a real dog collar albeit one that could pass as fashion accessory. saida has been visiting pet shops and trying on collars and bemusing the shop personell. She told one shop assistant "it is for the doggy of my Boss" which in her eyes was not a lie (only she could not get the word "Master" over her lips there in the pet shop). The crisis however was because she wanted to buy the collar and pay for it whilst I wanted to pay for it as well. The latter would require her to give her bank account. This was either too much for her or as she told me she wanted to buy it her self as a slave should buy her own stuff. Well that is easy, I told her, you are slave and you do as I say. But she went from one silly argument to the next ridiculous argument and it became a stand off. I hate stand offs and I told her this will not go away. It all accumulated in that she wrote me she thought I was unhappy with her and want to end the relation. She also said she was unwilling to stay in a relation when she thought I was unhappy.
The emotional discussion we had tonight was what I brought up. "No saida, am pissed off with you but I was not thinking of leaving you for this". "But now that you mention it, we do need to speak about our future and our relation because it does not combine with the relation you have with your new girlfriend".
In short: I do not want saida to live a Lie with her her girlfriend (see "melinda prompted me to make a new blog entry, part two" towards the end). It was once more confirmed how much saida is longing to this lifestyle and at the same time she slowly came to the realisation of what she new already and that is that this has to come to an end. She was totally numb when we discussed this, I have to say it was really heart wrenching to see her like that. The deal we made is that I will help her transition out of TTWD. Starting immediately she is now my sub and not slave (More significant to her then me). And what is tangible, she gets Saturdays off. That being the only day of the week she has all day with her girlfriend.
Saida cried, I was both moved and surprised. She also feels like she has failed in being "the perfect slave". She wanted my opinion. It is strange how different that can be. I from my side thought our relation was a resounding success. I always believed that a sub of a Dom must be better off with her Dom and with the decisions of her Dom id she where alone or would make her own decisions. So lets see: She ended up with her new Girlfriend. She discovered of her self and that she is lesbian. And she learned to accept it. She reached out to her parents and discovered her Father is supportive of her. This greatly improved her relation with him because for the first time she knows for sure he loves her and that she is not just a "trophy daughter". I think she has become an overall more genuine and mentally mature woman, so YES, Success!!
So today is the start of a new challenge, really new for me. Deliberately turning a slave in to a vanilla girl. (yes melinda I know I have accidentally done that with you, I am sorry, that was not what I wanted). I hope I will not mess this one up, that would be the joke of the year. I also hope that when we have gone trough this process both saida and I can look positively back on what we had. That is what I really want out of this.
To start with saida gave me today something like the BDSM equivalent of the Nobel price of peace. She told me "you are the best Master I ever had" and coming from her I told her "You said the nicest thing a slave has ever told me".
Now I have to prove my self that she is right.
Oh by the way, I will also be the last Master she had. (Unless her relation comes to an end and she tries again, you never know. But I hope she will have a long and happy relation with this girl). With saida I really have the feeling she is addicted to TTWD. Addicted to a point that perhaps it is good if she gets taken a notch down, if only to give her new relation a chance in the long run.
The emotional discussion we had tonight was what I brought up. "No saida, am pissed off with you but I was not thinking of leaving you for this". "But now that you mention it, we do need to speak about our future and our relation because it does not combine with the relation you have with your new girlfriend".
In short: I do not want saida to live a Lie with her her girlfriend (see "melinda prompted me to make a new blog entry, part two" towards the end). It was once more confirmed how much saida is longing to this lifestyle and at the same time she slowly came to the realisation of what she new already and that is that this has to come to an end. She was totally numb when we discussed this, I have to say it was really heart wrenching to see her like that. The deal we made is that I will help her transition out of TTWD. Starting immediately she is now my sub and not slave (More significant to her then me). And what is tangible, she gets Saturdays off. That being the only day of the week she has all day with her girlfriend.
Saida cried, I was both moved and surprised. She also feels like she has failed in being "the perfect slave". She wanted my opinion. It is strange how different that can be. I from my side thought our relation was a resounding success. I always believed that a sub of a Dom must be better off with her Dom and with the decisions of her Dom id she where alone or would make her own decisions. So lets see: She ended up with her new Girlfriend. She discovered of her self and that she is lesbian. And she learned to accept it. She reached out to her parents and discovered her Father is supportive of her. This greatly improved her relation with him because for the first time she knows for sure he loves her and that she is not just a "trophy daughter". I think she has become an overall more genuine and mentally mature woman, so YES, Success!!
So today is the start of a new challenge, really new for me. Deliberately turning a slave in to a vanilla girl. (yes melinda I know I have accidentally done that with you, I am sorry, that was not what I wanted). I hope I will not mess this one up, that would be the joke of the year. I also hope that when we have gone trough this process both saida and I can look positively back on what we had. That is what I really want out of this.
To start with saida gave me today something like the BDSM equivalent of the Nobel price of peace. She told me "you are the best Master I ever had" and coming from her I told her "You said the nicest thing a slave has ever told me".
Now I have to prove my self that she is right.
Oh by the way, I will also be the last Master she had. (Unless her relation comes to an end and she tries again, you never know. But I hope she will have a long and happy relation with this girl). With saida I really have the feeling she is addicted to TTWD. Addicted to a point that perhaps it is good if she gets taken a notch down, if only to give her new relation a chance in the long run.
Saturday 27 September 2014
Patterns of thoughts
When I started this blog quite a few years ago, when I was still melinda's Dom, I made a conscious decision not to mix it with politics. I also knew that one day I would violate this rule I made for my self. And that day is today. If you want to skip the politics just skip the orange text.
The following edition of the Glazov gang triggered this blog. It also gives a peek about what troubles me in this world. It is a 23 minute clip and I recommend the whole clip to anybody who is interested in history and politics. But if you do not want to invest 23 minutes and still get an idea you can start it at the 16 minutes mark At 18 minutes it becomes relevant to TTWD.
This edition of the Glazov gang holds a mirror up to our self. The subject is the Holocaust in WW2 but despite the time that passed it is more relevant then it was for the almost past 70 years. The Germans have been condemned for the Holocaust but the allied countries have been almost as guilty by being silent about the Nazi ideology of the Holocaust. We have survived the Nazis and we have survived Communism but today we are facing the most dangerous version of evil of all times and that is (radical) islam and "radical" is between brackets because it is the true islam, the orthodox islam. And it is as much an ideology as Nazism as it goes beyond a religion and controls all aspects of a society. In the 1400 years it exists, islam has made 270 million victims and enslaved millions of people. Both Nazism and Communism pale in that comparison and so does the total slave trade to the American continent that we are rightfully ashamed of as Western society. There are 1500 million muslims so if only 1% has the aspiration to become a terrorist we have 15 million potential terrorists. More then 50% of the muslims in the west have sympathy for ISIS. Our political leaders are looking the other way and are actively deceiving us about this ideology and the origins of ISIS (Islamic State of Irak and Syria). If we are silent we are guilty of the millions of woman suffering female genital mutilation, we are guilty of the hundreds of thousands of honour killings, we are guilty of the systematic rape and prostitution of 1400 girls by muslim rape gangs in Rotherham UK who are as young as 10 year old (and who knows how many more in other cities in the UK and Europe) (Where are the feminists, any one, Emma Watson perhaps....?) we are guilty of the millions of other religious minorities being beheaded raped mutilated buried alive and so on, we are guilty to enabling terrorist to strike at our cities. Silence enables the perpetrators, do not help them, talk about it!! Call a spade a spade!!
The above is the direct message from this video. It was coincidentally this video and not the Oklahoma beheading that got me thinking about making this blog. Unfortunately I was promptly served with an example of what this is all about (Which unfortunately is not at all a coincidence).
I want to express my condolences to the family of the victim and the people of Oklahoma and I wish a speedy recovery to the surviver of this (true) islamic jihad terror attack.
But where does it relate to TTWD? How did this video trigger to blog about TTWD? The connection is that the video speaks about the dehumanisation of the victims of the Holocaust to make it more humane for the perpetrators to commit their acts of war crimes.
Now everyone who underwrites the principals of SSC when it comes to TTWD stays within the boundaries of the law in the western society, so this is as far removed from war crimes as possible. However certainly when it comes to sado masochsim the dehumanisation plays a role in enabling the acts. When it comes to humiliation in a BDSM contact the act it self has an element of dehumanisation. And this is the case for both the Dom and the sub, for both examples.
It was only the evening before when I talked with melinda and (among many other topics we discussed) I tried and failed to give her my explanation of what caused the unraveling of our D/s relation and ultimately our relation as couple. melinda goes by her feelings as she says it. I need to analyse things as she says it. Her own assessment is definitely true. And her assessment of me is also true but not complete. Yes I need to analyse things, the truth and how things are interlinked are matters that I need to understand. I can not accept things as they are. My brain will not rest until I have a satisfactory explanation for it. She is right there but it does not mean I do not follow my feelings or my heart, far from it. The proof in that is that we are friends, melinda and I. It is my heart that tells me to keep up the friendship with melinda because I love her with my heart. My brain sometimes tells me my heart is wrong but looses.
So what was it that undid my ability to dominate her. "Well we just went out of sync" said melinda. And with that her heart is satisfied. Yes melinda you are right, that is the case. But it will not do for my brain and here my brain tells my heart that there is some unfinished business.
melinda is now in a very good shape when it comes to her inner peace. And it makes me happy because I love her. But she used to loath her self at some times when we first met and I did not love her yet at that time. What follows now are in my mind the events that brought us from where we started to where we are now:
melinda seeks a Dom and has a low self esteem, she is masochistic and sometimes harms her self. She has discovered her submissive nature and wants a Dom to lead her. I am looking for a sub. I have already had quite a few subs. I like to be Dom, I need it and I am full of confidence because of my previous experiences. We get together and SM as well as D/s are the main pillars of our relation. Our relation is evolving, we are no longer only being the Dom and the sub but our daily lives become subject of long discussions. The relation is growing. melinda is starting to come out of a dark hole. Patly because of her own efforts and partly as a result of my encouragement her self confidence improves and she is feeling overall better and more.
I am starting to love her more and one of the things I love about her is that she unifies everything I ever wanted from a woman. The friendship, the D/s experience, the SM experience, the caring, the fun and humour, the sex (OK not all in the order of importance :P ).
This craving for the total experience I have with a woman dilutes every single experience because they can often only be experienced in a sequential order. One of the examples is that melinda is starting to care for me as well. She is starting to "take care of my health" as well as some scars I have from my failed marriage. My desire to have a soul mate as well as sub in the same woman and the involvement of her in taking care of my problems are totally the opposite of dehumanisation. Kudos to D/s couples who successfully combine love and care with a D/s relation, it is my ultimate dream to reach that state. The relation with melinda is the closest I ever got to that and despite being in a very turbulent era of my life with many bad things happening, I look back on it as the happiest time I had on hind side considering all aspects of it. But ultimately the changes we both went trough in the short 3 years we where together where so drastic that we could not evolve fast enough with them. The rapid changes in the dynamics of our relation caused us to go out of sync. And here I disagree with melinda. She thinks it was our fault that we just got out of sync and that external circumstances should not matter. I think we made mistakes whilst being confronted with the external circumstances. I also think that such an important episode of our life deserves the effort to see it all in context, to bring inner peace. And that is important, even if the analysis is not 100% correct, as long as it is satisfactory to give inner peace.
My sub today is saida, and she is my slave. saida is not as complete to me as what melinda ever was and she will never be. But she gives me one thing that every good sub does and what no other person can give and also what she gives no other person (besides her ex Maters, but they where more interested in other aspects of TTWD with her) and that is total unrestricted insight in her deepest thoughts, secrets, fears, uncertainties, aspirations and what not.
I wrote already that I gave saida the order to seek sex with a lesbian girl. She promptly went to a lesbian bar and found her partner she has today and with whom she lives together now. Saida was always purely straight for what she was convinced. Ironically I wanted her to have sex with a lesbian girl because I wanted her to have sex but not fall in love. (I can not picture being a Dom over a girl in a relation with a man, but that is a whole other subject). However she did fall (deeply) in love and yep by then I loved her already so much that I told her: "Come on then, go for it, I want you to be happy with her in a relation". I could have ended that relation. She gave me plenty of chances for it but my heart overruled my common sense that this would undermine my position as Dom.
What bothers saida the most today is the question if she was lesbian from the start or if she has become lesbian when she met her GF. Initially I believed what melinda told me: "people fall in love with people and not with genders". But over time saida is "becoming" ever more lesbian and loosing interest in men for sex. When ever she goes to now regular parties with lesbians, she spends her time getting council from other lesbian girls. But they can not give adequate answers because they have no idea saida is a sub and how she met her GF, a secret that is still unknown by her GF.
I spoke on-line with a Domme I know for 10 years, and who introduced me to TTWD. She is bisexual and Domme with girls but vanilla with men. We both agreed that if you are open minded enough to venture in the life style to become a no limit slave, you must surely not deny your sexual orientation. I told this to saida but although she politely accepted the explanation as possibility, I could feel this was not the true story. When I saw this video and the mentioning of dehumanisation it occurred to me what saida has told me in an e.mail a few weeks earlier whilst on vacation.
She said: "I am now really happy with my life".
The coin dropped. It was not her open-mindedness that excluded the possibility that she was a lesbian all along. It was her unconscious self loathing that opened her up to become a slave. Before I started this post, I ran it past her and she said: "Yes, i think that could be the case"...
PS, two violations of my intensions regarding this blog:
Politics AND an excessive word count, apologies for both...
PS, forgot to mention: saida did come clean about her sexual nature to her parents. She was greatly relieved that her conservative and strict father told her he supports her and loves her. That was great, because now she knows she is loved by him and not just making him proud. Yes saida, I am happy for you, for this as well but I am not surprised. you see, your father is not an islamist.
The following edition of the Glazov gang triggered this blog. It also gives a peek about what troubles me in this world. It is a 23 minute clip and I recommend the whole clip to anybody who is interested in history and politics. But if you do not want to invest 23 minutes and still get an idea you can start it at the 16 minutes mark At 18 minutes it becomes relevant to TTWD.
This edition of the Glazov gang holds a mirror up to our self. The subject is the Holocaust in WW2 but despite the time that passed it is more relevant then it was for the almost past 70 years. The Germans have been condemned for the Holocaust but the allied countries have been almost as guilty by being silent about the Nazi ideology of the Holocaust. We have survived the Nazis and we have survived Communism but today we are facing the most dangerous version of evil of all times and that is (radical) islam and "radical" is between brackets because it is the true islam, the orthodox islam. And it is as much an ideology as Nazism as it goes beyond a religion and controls all aspects of a society. In the 1400 years it exists, islam has made 270 million victims and enslaved millions of people. Both Nazism and Communism pale in that comparison and so does the total slave trade to the American continent that we are rightfully ashamed of as Western society. There are 1500 million muslims so if only 1% has the aspiration to become a terrorist we have 15 million potential terrorists. More then 50% of the muslims in the west have sympathy for ISIS. Our political leaders are looking the other way and are actively deceiving us about this ideology and the origins of ISIS (Islamic State of Irak and Syria). If we are silent we are guilty of the millions of woman suffering female genital mutilation, we are guilty of the hundreds of thousands of honour killings, we are guilty of the systematic rape and prostitution of 1400 girls by muslim rape gangs in Rotherham UK who are as young as 10 year old (and who knows how many more in other cities in the UK and Europe) (Where are the feminists, any one, Emma Watson perhaps....?) we are guilty of the millions of other religious minorities being beheaded raped mutilated buried alive and so on, we are guilty to enabling terrorist to strike at our cities. Silence enables the perpetrators, do not help them, talk about it!! Call a spade a spade!!
The above is the direct message from this video. It was coincidentally this video and not the Oklahoma beheading that got me thinking about making this blog. Unfortunately I was promptly served with an example of what this is all about (Which unfortunately is not at all a coincidence).
I want to express my condolences to the family of the victim and the people of Oklahoma and I wish a speedy recovery to the surviver of this (true) islamic jihad terror attack.
But where does it relate to TTWD? How did this video trigger to blog about TTWD? The connection is that the video speaks about the dehumanisation of the victims of the Holocaust to make it more humane for the perpetrators to commit their acts of war crimes.
Now everyone who underwrites the principals of SSC when it comes to TTWD stays within the boundaries of the law in the western society, so this is as far removed from war crimes as possible. However certainly when it comes to sado masochsim the dehumanisation plays a role in enabling the acts. When it comes to humiliation in a BDSM contact the act it self has an element of dehumanisation. And this is the case for both the Dom and the sub, for both examples.
It was only the evening before when I talked with melinda and (among many other topics we discussed) I tried and failed to give her my explanation of what caused the unraveling of our D/s relation and ultimately our relation as couple. melinda goes by her feelings as she says it. I need to analyse things as she says it. Her own assessment is definitely true. And her assessment of me is also true but not complete. Yes I need to analyse things, the truth and how things are interlinked are matters that I need to understand. I can not accept things as they are. My brain will not rest until I have a satisfactory explanation for it. She is right there but it does not mean I do not follow my feelings or my heart, far from it. The proof in that is that we are friends, melinda and I. It is my heart that tells me to keep up the friendship with melinda because I love her with my heart. My brain sometimes tells me my heart is wrong but looses.
So what was it that undid my ability to dominate her. "Well we just went out of sync" said melinda. And with that her heart is satisfied. Yes melinda you are right, that is the case. But it will not do for my brain and here my brain tells my heart that there is some unfinished business.
melinda is now in a very good shape when it comes to her inner peace. And it makes me happy because I love her. But she used to loath her self at some times when we first met and I did not love her yet at that time. What follows now are in my mind the events that brought us from where we started to where we are now:
melinda seeks a Dom and has a low self esteem, she is masochistic and sometimes harms her self. She has discovered her submissive nature and wants a Dom to lead her. I am looking for a sub. I have already had quite a few subs. I like to be Dom, I need it and I am full of confidence because of my previous experiences. We get together and SM as well as D/s are the main pillars of our relation. Our relation is evolving, we are no longer only being the Dom and the sub but our daily lives become subject of long discussions. The relation is growing. melinda is starting to come out of a dark hole. Patly because of her own efforts and partly as a result of my encouragement her self confidence improves and she is feeling overall better and more.
I am starting to love her more and one of the things I love about her is that she unifies everything I ever wanted from a woman. The friendship, the D/s experience, the SM experience, the caring, the fun and humour, the sex (OK not all in the order of importance :P ).
This craving for the total experience I have with a woman dilutes every single experience because they can often only be experienced in a sequential order. One of the examples is that melinda is starting to care for me as well. She is starting to "take care of my health" as well as some scars I have from my failed marriage. My desire to have a soul mate as well as sub in the same woman and the involvement of her in taking care of my problems are totally the opposite of dehumanisation. Kudos to D/s couples who successfully combine love and care with a D/s relation, it is my ultimate dream to reach that state. The relation with melinda is the closest I ever got to that and despite being in a very turbulent era of my life with many bad things happening, I look back on it as the happiest time I had on hind side considering all aspects of it. But ultimately the changes we both went trough in the short 3 years we where together where so drastic that we could not evolve fast enough with them. The rapid changes in the dynamics of our relation caused us to go out of sync. And here I disagree with melinda. She thinks it was our fault that we just got out of sync and that external circumstances should not matter. I think we made mistakes whilst being confronted with the external circumstances. I also think that such an important episode of our life deserves the effort to see it all in context, to bring inner peace. And that is important, even if the analysis is not 100% correct, as long as it is satisfactory to give inner peace.
My sub today is saida, and she is my slave. saida is not as complete to me as what melinda ever was and she will never be. But she gives me one thing that every good sub does and what no other person can give and also what she gives no other person (besides her ex Maters, but they where more interested in other aspects of TTWD with her) and that is total unrestricted insight in her deepest thoughts, secrets, fears, uncertainties, aspirations and what not.
I wrote already that I gave saida the order to seek sex with a lesbian girl. She promptly went to a lesbian bar and found her partner she has today and with whom she lives together now. Saida was always purely straight for what she was convinced. Ironically I wanted her to have sex with a lesbian girl because I wanted her to have sex but not fall in love. (I can not picture being a Dom over a girl in a relation with a man, but that is a whole other subject). However she did fall (deeply) in love and yep by then I loved her already so much that I told her: "Come on then, go for it, I want you to be happy with her in a relation". I could have ended that relation. She gave me plenty of chances for it but my heart overruled my common sense that this would undermine my position as Dom.
What bothers saida the most today is the question if she was lesbian from the start or if she has become lesbian when she met her GF. Initially I believed what melinda told me: "people fall in love with people and not with genders". But over time saida is "becoming" ever more lesbian and loosing interest in men for sex. When ever she goes to now regular parties with lesbians, she spends her time getting council from other lesbian girls. But they can not give adequate answers because they have no idea saida is a sub and how she met her GF, a secret that is still unknown by her GF.
I spoke on-line with a Domme I know for 10 years, and who introduced me to TTWD. She is bisexual and Domme with girls but vanilla with men. We both agreed that if you are open minded enough to venture in the life style to become a no limit slave, you must surely not deny your sexual orientation. I told this to saida but although she politely accepted the explanation as possibility, I could feel this was not the true story. When I saw this video and the mentioning of dehumanisation it occurred to me what saida has told me in an e.mail a few weeks earlier whilst on vacation.
She said: "I am now really happy with my life".
The coin dropped. It was not her open-mindedness that excluded the possibility that she was a lesbian all along. It was her unconscious self loathing that opened her up to become a slave. Before I started this post, I ran it past her and she said: "Yes, i think that could be the case"...
PS, two violations of my intensions regarding this blog:
Politics AND an excessive word count, apologies for both...
PS, forgot to mention: saida did come clean about her sexual nature to her parents. She was greatly relieved that her conservative and strict father told her he supports her and loves her. That was great, because now she knows she is loved by him and not just making him proud. Yes saida, I am happy for you, for this as well but I am not surprised. you see, your father is not an islamist.
Saturday 20 September 2014
What a "no limit slave" wants
It has been again a while since I have blogged. This time is was not only procrastination. saida and I have passed a considerable time in "survival mode" relying on e.mails only. The reason is that we both had multiple staggered vacations. As it turned out in a worse case scenario. This resulted in us hardly meeting on-line from early July until practically a week ago.
After this time I was contemplating it could be the end of our relation. As you might have read in previous blogs, saida has now her lesbian girlfriend and this could be an easy way out. A nice end to an interesting period. I was therefor a bit surprised that saida was clinging on to what we had. I was not looking of getting rid of her, merely letting her go if that is what she wanted. But she was having none of it.
Evidently I misjudged her motivations and what she needs. We have been talking about what makes her tick, I find that one of the most interesting aspects of a D/s relation the psychology of it. But I am not free of mistakes (ask melinda, who recently gave me the label "frustrating").
Time then to try to understand my sub... better... But wait, she calls her self a "no limit slave". Since I met saida I have talked a lot with her about her experiences and she has told me a lot about her previous life as slave, some anecdotes even multiple times. It was intense, in her words: "I had a had a hard life". In my assessment, yes she was a real slave. But not with me. We always had this disconnect where I saw her as sub and she saw her self as slave. One of the things it does was putting in the back of my head that I could not give her what she really needs. A: Being an on-line relation and she coming out of a real one. B: I am much softer then her previous Master. So why is this young beautiful woman hanging on to this on-line relation?? She is a "no limit slave" and she told me when we started it is very difficult to make her submit. It does not add up, she turned out very easy to dominate so far.
I have tried multiple times to get to bottom of this but I think her new situation and the break we had made it possible to understand it. She always used to say: "I have to do it" but she also said she needs humiliation to submit. As it turned out this humiliation thing has been the confusing factor. Ironically because we both use it for the same purpose. I like to humiliate a sub because it is a tool to get a sub to submit. The humiliation is a means to an end. Not the the end. But I was wrongly assuming she, who loves humiliation, was seeking the humiliation as end. In reality she needs it as means to an end as well. For her it is about "I have to do it". Now comes the surprise: Being a no limit slave does not mean the level of heart-ship she will want compared to a sub. It only means she needs to feel she is in a situation where she has to obey her Master. In fact she never ever refuses anything I ask, no struggle, no arguments, just compliance. That was eery for me in the beginning and also felt "clinical" and detached. But this is what she needs, exactly this behaviour. She also says she wants to be slave and not sub because a sub can refuse, and will push back. She does not like that and she does not like subs doing that.
Now comes the crux, who is not getting that? Or who is taking (too much) advantage?
With this I mean that for her to be a slave, the orders do not have to be harsh to the point to break her. She is so much in need of of this slave feeling "I have to do it" that she will do very extreme things. But that she did only to get the "slave" feeling, she was allowing her self to be pushed over the edge to get that feeling.
I was thinking I could not give her what she needs because I am not harsh enough and I was wondering why she was so easy to Dominate as clearly I could not be for her what she had in her previous relation. It turns out, the severity of the punishment or orders is not what she is longing. It is the slave feeling. And you do not have to be brutal to give that slave feeling. "I have to do it" can also work with orders that do humiliate but also take her situation in account. They can actually be very subtile, though she does need a challenge as well. This revelation was a game changer for me because for the first time I felt I was not on borrowed time and I could keep her in submission. And that feels so much better.
saida is a silly girl (she really is) but she is by no means stupid. Oh she loves to be called stupid cunt, but she is a Neurologist. That is hardly "stupid cunt stuff". she is apprehensive though to speak about neurology and BDSM. It is fascinating in my opinion and since she loves her job, and BDSM I wonder why she does not combine the two, at least in the theory. I asked her if she generates dopamine in her brain when she submits. And she reluctantly acknowledged that. I did not ask, but I will at some point. The question would be: "are you addicted to TTWD?" I think that is why she is apprehensive to dwell on neurology and BDSM. She sees too much suffering due to addictions at work. But if she will acknowledge her addiction to TTWD, I must ask my self the same question...
Sunday 27 July 2014
melinda prompted me to make a new Blog entry, part two
In part one I challenged melinda and it is not an empty challenge. But I have a sub (slave as she likes to call her self, though I think that label does not apply to our relation). A Dom should have loyalty towards his sub so the challenge in it self could be interpreted as betrayal towards saida. Hence part two, to shed light on the relation I have with saida.
The relation I have with her is very different from the one I had (and still have in a different form) with melinda:
The most significant difference is the absence of love. She does not love me and I do not love her. Though I am fond of her and think she is a remarkable young woman.
From the onset this relation was not intended to become a real life relation (and had no chance).
Saida wants to leave "the scene" one day and start a (vanilla) family and have children. I think she is winding down but she can't kick the habit.
Her ex master was very extreme and in that relation she was really a slave. The things he did to her where partly immoral in my opinion and if he would not have dumped her she would have suffered permanent mental scars. She knows it and reluctantly had to admit that was the case and not desirable. It never failed to amaze me how far it went, given the fact she is a neurologist.
But most importantly, our relation has taken an unexpected turn in the past few months. The D/s relation I have with saida is purely on-line. She follows online instructions/task and she needs to be humiliated to feel submissive. I have been experimenting with ways to humiliate her and one of the things I asked her to do is to go to a lesbian bar and seek a girl to have sex with. She had to accept advances from any girl. saida is a purely straight girl, at least that is what she claims. As it turned out the girl with whom she had this one night affair came out of a failed lesbian relation and sadia was her first adventure after this happened. To make a long story short, they fell in love with each other. My position on this kind if conflicts is and has always been that real life takes precedence over on-line relations. Though saida told me she would stop seeing this girl if I wanted to, in order to save our relation, I have encouraged her to keep up with her new GF and see where this goes. saida has moved in a week ago with her new friend (who is by the way pure vanilla). It has been very interesting to see this relation grow and to see saida come to terms with the fact she might not be as straight as she thought she was. We have agreed to see how this new situation affects our D/s relation, but part of me feels she is now in a new more important phase of her life where she started a serious open ended relation. The inevitable will sooner or later happen. Those 2 relations do not combine, and the one offering more depth should prevail.
Should this happen, and I think it will, where does it leave me? I would look back on it as success for the simple reason that I have undone some of the damage done by her previous master and in a way (by proxy) I have given saida her love. It would be a good end to a completed chapter and everyone can look back with no regrets. Could it be any better?
The relation I have with her is very different from the one I had (and still have in a different form) with melinda:
The most significant difference is the absence of love. She does not love me and I do not love her. Though I am fond of her and think she is a remarkable young woman.
From the onset this relation was not intended to become a real life relation (and had no chance).
Saida wants to leave "the scene" one day and start a (vanilla) family and have children. I think she is winding down but she can't kick the habit.
Her ex master was very extreme and in that relation she was really a slave. The things he did to her where partly immoral in my opinion and if he would not have dumped her she would have suffered permanent mental scars. She knows it and reluctantly had to admit that was the case and not desirable. It never failed to amaze me how far it went, given the fact she is a neurologist.
But most importantly, our relation has taken an unexpected turn in the past few months. The D/s relation I have with saida is purely on-line. She follows online instructions/task and she needs to be humiliated to feel submissive. I have been experimenting with ways to humiliate her and one of the things I asked her to do is to go to a lesbian bar and seek a girl to have sex with. She had to accept advances from any girl. saida is a purely straight girl, at least that is what she claims. As it turned out the girl with whom she had this one night affair came out of a failed lesbian relation and sadia was her first adventure after this happened. To make a long story short, they fell in love with each other. My position on this kind if conflicts is and has always been that real life takes precedence over on-line relations. Though saida told me she would stop seeing this girl if I wanted to, in order to save our relation, I have encouraged her to keep up with her new GF and see where this goes. saida has moved in a week ago with her new friend (who is by the way pure vanilla). It has been very interesting to see this relation grow and to see saida come to terms with the fact she might not be as straight as she thought she was. We have agreed to see how this new situation affects our D/s relation, but part of me feels she is now in a new more important phase of her life where she started a serious open ended relation. The inevitable will sooner or later happen. Those 2 relations do not combine, and the one offering more depth should prevail.
Should this happen, and I think it will, where does it leave me? I would look back on it as success for the simple reason that I have undone some of the damage done by her previous master and in a way (by proxy) I have given saida her love. It would be a good end to a completed chapter and everyone can look back with no regrets. Could it be any better?
melinda prompted me to make a new blog entry, part one
I know that melinda does not do sharing, but it surprised me she did not like me to make blog entries of past subs and her comment in the previous post surprised me as well. But perhaps I should not be surprised. I am very happy that melinda writes she cares about me, that is important to me. I guess everybody who has followed this blog in the past will know that our relation was- and is not easy. One thing I know and melinda should know (and I know she knows). I love melinda and no one can replace that. No one can fill that void. A few months ago when I was longing for melinda and thinking of her, I also had the feeling she could do with a break. I had some business to do in Italy and decided to make a short break out of it. I invited melinda to share that break with me and she accepted. We had a lovely time together and there is no one but her with whom I feel completely happy and at ease. So yes I am happy as well that we have maintained a good friendship.
So melinda, if you find it hard te read about an other sub in my life, you know what you can do about it, don't you?
So melinda, if you find it hard te read about an other sub in my life, you know what you can do about it, don't you?
Monday 17 February 2014
The turmoil after the turmoil
It is more then a month ago since I have written my last blog entry.
Lot of things did not happen that I intended to happen, but some did and on the whole things are positive but I have felt in a state of turmoil for way too long now and it still feels like that.
One positive intended thing that I consider my self lucky is that the transition from being partners to becoming just friends with melinda did end up in a soft landing (albeit with its own ups and downs as we go along as friends).
I did not intend to wait more then a month to blog again.
an other thing I did not intend but what I just did, perhaps in a knee-jerk reaction, is to make a new account in Collar-me. Yes the dreaded website of wannabes and pretenders. But still one of the few options to find a partner in TTWD. There are a few diamonds in the rough. After all melinda came from there as well. I actually made the profile expecting no result for a long time. getting a match there is nearly impossible.
So the next unintended (or rather intended but unexpected) positive thing that happened is that I met saida there. saida is a Spanish sub who refers to her self as slave. It is a bit steep to pretend to be slave, specially as our relation is on-line only for the moment, us being separated by thousands of kilometres. But her previous relation was for all intends and purposes an as near limitless M/s relation as it gets. I am also convinced that in her heart she feels like a slave, and that is probably what it is all about.
saida is trading down so to say as her own 3 year RL M/s relation recently came to an end she decided that an on-line relation would be the best way forward. Also she is not new to that as her Dom before the 3 year relation was on-line as well. But it must feel like trading down going from real life to on-line and I as Dom am much less harsh and more compassionate. It has kept me wondering why she choose me (as according to my belief subs / slaves choose their Dom).
All subs / slaves are different and unique and saida is no exemption. The "feel" that saida gives as slave (lets call it) is very different and I had to get used to it. Or rather I am still getting used to it. saida needs deep humiliation and constant verbal abuse to keep her in check. You really have to stay on the straight and narrow with her, which I think is probably something I need my self to avoid the "cosy relation trap" I had with melinda. But when saida is treated as she should be, as slave and stupid cunt or silly slut, the results are very instant and very responsive. In other words this slut (as she is called by) will obey her Master admirably. Even to the point it almost feels clinical. It is hard to express but when us Doms push a sub or slave we want the feeling she is pushed, she is making a sacrifice. But with saida it almost all goes effortless (at least it feels like). It gives a strange feeling of almost a lack of feed back. It took a while for me to warm up to her and we had already one deep crisis, a collapse of trust. The distrust came from my side and was caused by a fake photo she send me. When confronted she said it was a mistake and she did not know how it came she send that photo up. Ironically I believe we needed this crises to establish a relation. I was an inch of pulling the plug on the whole relation when I demanded her to speak the truth. She thought it was over but made a last passionate description of her self and what she stood for. It was this explosion of emotions I have been missing in her and which restored the trust I have in her. The standing for her beliefs in-spite of the to her certain knowledge all was lost, is what made her reply so compelling. That was about 2 weeks ago and since then I have a feeling I am heading somewhere with this slave. There is much work ahead and it compares with peeling an onion. But I love onions, so for now I intend to keep peeling layer after layer until I get the guts, figuratively speaking.
This entry is a bit of a rambling summary. But I hope to be more concrete in the next entries. And I hope to make more frequent entries as well. That is the intension...
Lot of things did not happen that I intended to happen, but some did and on the whole things are positive but I have felt in a state of turmoil for way too long now and it still feels like that.
One positive intended thing that I consider my self lucky is that the transition from being partners to becoming just friends with melinda did end up in a soft landing (albeit with its own ups and downs as we go along as friends).
I did not intend to wait more then a month to blog again.
an other thing I did not intend but what I just did, perhaps in a knee-jerk reaction, is to make a new account in Collar-me. Yes the dreaded website of wannabes and pretenders. But still one of the few options to find a partner in TTWD. There are a few diamonds in the rough. After all melinda came from there as well. I actually made the profile expecting no result for a long time. getting a match there is nearly impossible.
So the next unintended (or rather intended but unexpected) positive thing that happened is that I met saida there. saida is a Spanish sub who refers to her self as slave. It is a bit steep to pretend to be slave, specially as our relation is on-line only for the moment, us being separated by thousands of kilometres. But her previous relation was for all intends and purposes an as near limitless M/s relation as it gets. I am also convinced that in her heart she feels like a slave, and that is probably what it is all about.
saida is trading down so to say as her own 3 year RL M/s relation recently came to an end she decided that an on-line relation would be the best way forward. Also she is not new to that as her Dom before the 3 year relation was on-line as well. But it must feel like trading down going from real life to on-line and I as Dom am much less harsh and more compassionate. It has kept me wondering why she choose me (as according to my belief subs / slaves choose their Dom).
All subs / slaves are different and unique and saida is no exemption. The "feel" that saida gives as slave (lets call it) is very different and I had to get used to it. Or rather I am still getting used to it. saida needs deep humiliation and constant verbal abuse to keep her in check. You really have to stay on the straight and narrow with her, which I think is probably something I need my self to avoid the "cosy relation trap" I had with melinda. But when saida is treated as she should be, as slave and stupid cunt or silly slut, the results are very instant and very responsive. In other words this slut (as she is called by) will obey her Master admirably. Even to the point it almost feels clinical. It is hard to express but when us Doms push a sub or slave we want the feeling she is pushed, she is making a sacrifice. But with saida it almost all goes effortless (at least it feels like). It gives a strange feeling of almost a lack of feed back. It took a while for me to warm up to her and we had already one deep crisis, a collapse of trust. The distrust came from my side and was caused by a fake photo she send me. When confronted she said it was a mistake and she did not know how it came she send that photo up. Ironically I believe we needed this crises to establish a relation. I was an inch of pulling the plug on the whole relation when I demanded her to speak the truth. She thought it was over but made a last passionate description of her self and what she stood for. It was this explosion of emotions I have been missing in her and which restored the trust I have in her. The standing for her beliefs in-spite of the to her certain knowledge all was lost, is what made her reply so compelling. That was about 2 weeks ago and since then I have a feeling I am heading somewhere with this slave. There is much work ahead and it compares with peeling an onion. But I love onions, so for now I intend to keep peeling layer after layer until I get the guts, figuratively speaking.
This entry is a bit of a rambling summary. But I hope to be more concrete in the next entries. And I hope to make more frequent entries as well. That is the intension...
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