Ironically since the happenings of my last blog I have felt closer then I ever did to saida. I also felt for the first time I love her. Or rather I became conscious about that. After that crisis we have tried once how it is for her to be "without Master" for a whole weekend I did not control her. She did not like it but it was no drama. After that things seemed to return to normal as if nothing had happened. But the seeds of change have been sown and what we discussed to have saida exit TTWD have been set in motion.
one of the things I really love about TTWD is that you lean a lot. You learn a lot about the woman who submits to you and through her about a lot of dynamics in relations. You lean also a lot about your self. You have power that forces you to decide what to do with it. And the decisions you make define who you are.
The dilemma I had with saida is that I made her go to a lesbian bar as straight girl to humiliate her and I asked her to have sex with a lesbian girl. It turned out to be much more then just sex with a lesbian girl. They both fell in love with each other and now live together. Her GF is not part of ttwd and she is vanilla. I had to choose if I wanted saida to have this relation. And I choose yes, because I was convinced that saida was on an important cross road. I wanted her to find out who she is and what she is. I wanted (desperately, I would almost say) to do everything right with saida. Doing the right thing became the most important thing to me in this relation we had. I can say now that besides ttwd which is all very nice just like sex for instance, the things that really matter and mattered to me in our relation where the big lines and big picture. I have discovered for sure that this is what I am about and I am happy I know it now. The big picture is that saida has become a better person trough our relation. It sounds almost narcissistic to express this but I think it is the truth. She has gone for too long without love. She has now found love in her GF. She also did not believe it is possible to have a loving relation with a Dom and still be submissive. On the last day of our D/s relation she told me she now believes it is possible. And last but not least the thing happened that undid our relation and that is that she knew what the consequences are from having a relation with somebody. Somebody she loves and for who she is willing to leave the life style she loves so much. With that I lost her as my slave or sub (we have used both terms).
We where going well, exceptionally well in the final weeks. And it felt like shit to break it up. She has been so important to me in a time that it really mattered to me. But keeping her would be like betraying what I wanted her to become. So I am sad and happy at the same time. I miss her. It is only since last Friday we said goodbye.
She was many firsts to me. She was the first girl in ttwd who was already experienced (and battle hardened I may add Up to then I was introducing girls to ttwd who where new to it. She was the first girl in ttwd who identified her self as slave and not sub. And now she is the first girl in absolute who I broke up with because I love her. I have to be quite honest. I am not sure If I would have done that if we would have had more then just an on-line relation. But if that where the case many things would have been different including her not starting a relation with her GF. What matters is that I stepped aside because I love her and because I know that to make her happy in the long run we must end what we had. OK it was an on-line relation but the emotions where real. Her life changing events, and she really had them, where all too real. And I look back on this episode with the satisfaction that everything indicates I did the right things with saida when it mattered. I am sad but I am satisfied at the same time. I hope she will have a happy life. I set her on that path. I hope she will keep on the straight an narrow. Can a Dom want anything more from a D/s relation?