I just ended the most emotional conversation I had with saida since we started our relation. We have had a bit of a crisis last week. What happened only illustrates how fast things can change. It all started with getting to the point where I would actually collar saida. An act that I have not done yet. Our relation is on-line so the easiest way would be that saida buys a collar and I pay for it. At least I thought so. The easiest thing was to agree on the collar. The collar would be a real dog collar albeit one that could pass as fashion accessory. saida has been visiting pet shops and trying on collars and bemusing the shop personell. She told one shop assistant "it is for the doggy of my Boss" which in her eyes was not a lie (only she could not get the word "Master" over her lips there in the pet shop). The crisis however was because she wanted to buy the collar and pay for it whilst I wanted to pay for it as well. The latter would require her to give her bank account. This was either too much for her or as she told me she wanted to buy it her self as a slave should buy her own stuff. Well that is easy, I told her, you are slave and you do as I say. But she went from one silly argument to the next ridiculous argument and it became a stand off. I hate stand offs and I told her this will not go away. It all accumulated in that she wrote me she thought I was unhappy with her and want to end the relation. She also said she was unwilling to stay in a relation when she thought I was unhappy.
The emotional discussion we had tonight was what I brought up. "No saida, am pissed off with you but I was not thinking of leaving you for this". "But now that you mention it, we do need to speak about our future and our relation because it does not combine with the relation you have with your new girlfriend".
In short: I do not want saida to live a Lie with her her girlfriend (see "melinda prompted me to make a new blog entry, part two" towards the end). It was once more confirmed how much saida is longing to this lifestyle and at the same time she slowly came to the realisation of what she new already and that is that this has to come to an end. She was totally numb when we discussed this, I have to say it was really heart wrenching to see her like that. The deal we made is that I will help her transition out of TTWD. Starting immediately she is now my sub and not slave (More significant to her then me). And what is tangible, she gets Saturdays off. That being the only day of the week she has all day with her girlfriend.
Saida cried, I was both moved and surprised. She also feels like she has failed in being "the perfect slave". She wanted my opinion. It is strange how different that can be. I from my side thought our relation was a resounding success. I always believed that a sub of a Dom must be better off with her Dom and with the decisions of her Dom id she where alone or would make her own decisions. So lets see: She ended up with her new Girlfriend. She discovered of her self and that she is lesbian. And she learned to accept it. She reached out to her parents and discovered her Father is supportive of her. This greatly improved her relation with him because for the first time she knows for sure he loves her and that she is not just a "trophy daughter". I think she has become an overall more genuine and mentally mature woman, so YES, Success!!
So today is the start of a new challenge, really new for me. Deliberately turning a slave in to a vanilla girl. (yes melinda I know I have accidentally done that with you, I am sorry, that was not what I wanted). I hope I will not mess this one up, that would be the joke of the year. I also hope that when we have gone trough this process both saida and I can look positively back on what we had. That is what I really want out of this.
To start with saida gave me today something like the BDSM equivalent of the Nobel price of peace. She told me "you are the best Master I ever had" and coming from her I told her "You said the nicest thing a slave has ever told me".
Now I have to prove my self that she is right.
Oh by the way, I will also be the last Master she had. (Unless her relation comes to an end and she tries again, you never know. But I hope she will have a long and happy relation with this girl). With saida I really have the feeling she is addicted to TTWD. Addicted to a point that perhaps it is good if she gets taken a notch down, if only to give her new relation a chance in the long run.