Saturday, 27 September 2014

Patterns of thoughts

When I started this blog quite a few years ago, when I was still melinda's Dom, I made a conscious decision not to mix it with politics. I also knew that one day I would violate this rule I made for my self. And that day is today. If you want to skip the politics just skip the orange text.
The following edition of the Glazov gang triggered this blog. It also gives a peek about what troubles me in this world. It is a 23 minute clip and I recommend the whole clip to anybody who is interested in history and politics. But if you do not want to invest 23 minutes and still get an idea you can start it at the 16 minutes mark At 18 minutes it becomes relevant to TTWD.

This edition of the Glazov gang holds a mirror up to our self. The subject is the Holocaust in WW2 but despite the time that passed it is more relevant then it was for the almost past 70 years. The Germans have been condemned for the Holocaust but the allied countries have been almost as guilty by being silent about the Nazi ideology of the Holocaust. We have survived the Nazis and we have survived Communism but today we are facing the most dangerous version of evil of all times and that is (radical) islam and "radical" is between brackets because it is the true islam, the orthodox islam. And it is as much an ideology as Nazism as it goes beyond a religion and controls all aspects of a society. In the 1400 years it exists, islam has made 270 million victims and enslaved millions of people. Both Nazism and Communism pale in that comparison and so does the total slave trade to the American continent that we are rightfully ashamed of as Western society. There are 1500 million muslims so if only 1% has the aspiration to become a terrorist we have 15 million potential terrorists. More then 50% of the muslims in the west have sympathy for ISIS. Our political leaders are looking the other way and are actively deceiving us about this ideology and the origins of ISIS (Islamic State of Irak and Syria). If we are silent we are guilty of the millions of woman suffering female genital mutilation, we are guilty of the hundreds of thousands of honour killings, we are guilty of the systematic rape and prostitution of 1400 girls by muslim rape gangs in Rotherham UK who are as young as 10 year old (and who knows how many more in other cities in the UK and Europe) (Where are the feminists, any one, Emma Watson perhaps....?) we are guilty of the millions of other religious minorities being beheaded raped mutilated buried alive and so on, we are guilty to enabling terrorist to strike at our cities. Silence enables the perpetrators, do not help them, talk about it!! Call a spade a spade!!

The above is the direct message from this video. It was coincidentally this video and not the Oklahoma beheading that got me thinking about making this blog. Unfortunately I was promptly served with an example of what this is all about (Which unfortunately is not at all a coincidence)
I want to express my condolences to the family of the victim and the people of Oklahoma and I wish a speedy recovery to the surviver of this (true) islamic jihad terror attack.
But where does it relate to TTWD? How did this video trigger to blog about TTWD? The connection is that the video speaks about the dehumanisation of the victims of the Holocaust to make it more humane for the perpetrators to commit their acts of war crimes.
Now everyone who underwrites the principals of SSC when it comes to TTWD stays within the boundaries of the law in the western society, so this is as far removed from war crimes as possible. However certainly when it comes to sado masochsim the dehumanisation plays a role in enabling the acts. When it comes to humiliation in a BDSM contact the act it self has an element of dehumanisation. And this is the case for both the Dom and the sub, for both examples.

It was only the evening before when I talked with melinda and (among many other topics we discussed) I tried and failed to give her my explanation of what caused the unraveling of our D/s relation and ultimately our relation as couple. melinda goes by her feelings as she says it. I need to analyse things as she says it. Her own assessment is definitely true. And her assessment of me is also true but not complete. Yes I need to analyse things, the truth and how things are interlinked are matters that I need to understand. I can not accept things as they are. My brain will not rest until I have a satisfactory explanation for it. She is right there but it does not mean I do not follow my feelings or my heart, far from it. The proof in that is that we are friends, melinda and I. It is my heart that tells me to keep up the friendship with melinda because I love her with my heart. My brain sometimes tells me my heart is wrong but looses.

So what was it that undid my ability to dominate her. "Well we just went out of sync" said melinda. And with that her heart is satisfied. Yes melinda you are right, that is the case. But it will not do for my brain and here my brain tells my heart that there is some unfinished business.
melinda is now in a very good shape when it comes to her inner peace. And it makes me happy because I love her. But she used to loath her self at some times when we first met and I did not love her yet at that time. What follows now are in my mind the events that brought us from where we started to where we are now:
melinda seeks a Dom and has a low self esteem, she is masochistic and sometimes harms her self. She has discovered her submissive nature and wants a Dom to lead her. I am looking for a sub. I have already had quite a few subs. I like to be Dom, I need it and I am full of confidence because of my previous experiences. We get together and SM as well as D/s are the main pillars of our relation. Our relation is evolving, we are no longer only being the Dom and the sub but our daily lives become subject of long discussions. The relation is growing. melinda is starting to come out of a dark hole. Patly because of her own efforts and partly as a result of my encouragement her self confidence improves and she is feeling overall better and more.
I am starting to love her more and one of the things I love about her is that she unifies everything I ever wanted from a woman. The friendship, the D/s experience, the SM experience, the caring, the fun and humour, the sex (OK not all in the order of importance :P  ).
This craving for the total experience I have with a woman dilutes every single experience because they can often only be experienced in a sequential order. One of the examples is that melinda is starting to care for me as well. She is starting to "take care of my health" as well as some scars I have from my failed marriage. My desire to have a soul mate as well as sub in the same woman and the involvement of her in taking care of my problems are totally the opposite of dehumanisation. Kudos to D/s couples who successfully combine love and care with a D/s relation, it is my ultimate dream to reach that state. The relation with melinda is the closest I ever got to that and despite being in a very turbulent era of my life with many bad things happening, I look back on it as the happiest time I had on hind side considering all aspects of it. But ultimately the changes we both went trough in the short 3 years we where together where so drastic that we could not evolve fast enough with them. The rapid changes in the dynamics of our relation caused us to go out of sync. And here I disagree with melinda. She thinks it was our fault that we just got out of sync and that external circumstances should not matter. I think we made mistakes whilst being confronted with the external circumstances. I also think that such an important episode of our life deserves the effort to see it all in context, to bring inner peace. And that is important, even if the analysis is not 100% correct, as long as it is satisfactory to give inner peace.

My sub today is saida, and she is my slave. saida is not as complete to me as what melinda ever was and she will never be. But she gives me one thing that every good sub does and what no other person can give and also what she gives no other person (besides her ex Maters, but they where more interested in other aspects of TTWD with her) and that is total unrestricted insight in her deepest thoughts, secrets, fears, uncertainties, aspirations and what not.
I wrote already that I gave saida the order to seek sex with a lesbian girl. She promptly went to a lesbian bar and found her partner she has today and with whom she lives together now. Saida was always purely straight for what she was convinced. Ironically I wanted her to have sex with a lesbian girl because I wanted her to have sex but not fall in love. (I can not picture being a Dom over a girl in a relation with a man, but that is a whole other subject). However she did fall (deeply) in love and yep by then I loved her already so much that I told her: "Come on then, go for it, I want you to be happy with her in a relation". I could have ended that relation. She gave me plenty of chances for it but my heart overruled my common sense that this would undermine my position as Dom.
What bothers saida the most today is the question if she was lesbian from the start or if she has become lesbian when she met her GF. Initially I believed what melinda told me: "people fall in love with people and not with genders". But over time saida is "becoming" ever more lesbian and loosing interest in men for sex. When ever she goes to now regular parties with lesbians, she spends her time getting council from other lesbian girls. But they can not give adequate answers because they have no idea saida is a sub and how she met her GF, a secret that is still unknown by her GF.
I spoke on-line with a Domme I know for 10 years, and who introduced me to TTWD. She is bisexual and Domme with girls but vanilla with men. We both agreed that if you are open minded enough to venture in the life style to become a no limit slave, you must surely not deny your sexual orientation. I told this to saida but although she politely accepted the explanation as possibility, I could feel this was not the true story. When I saw this video and the mentioning of dehumanisation it occurred to me what saida has told me in an e.mail a few weeks earlier whilst on vacation.
She said: "I am now really happy with my life".
The coin dropped. It was not her open-mindedness that excluded the possibility that she was a lesbian all along. It was her unconscious self loathing that opened her up to become a slave. Before I started this post, I ran it past her and she said: "Yes, i think that could be the case"...

PS, two violations of my intensions regarding this blog:
Politics AND an excessive word count, apologies for both...

PS, forgot to mention: saida did come clean about her sexual nature to her parents. She was greatly relieved that her conservative and strict father told her he supports her and loves her. That was great, because now she knows she is loved by him and not just making him proud. Yes saida, I am happy for you, for this as well but I am not surprised. you see, your father is not an islamist.

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