After this time I was contemplating it could be the end of our relation. As you might have read in previous blogs, saida has now her lesbian girlfriend and this could be an easy way out. A nice end to an interesting period. I was therefor a bit surprised that saida was clinging on to what we had. I was not looking of getting rid of her, merely letting her go if that is what she wanted. But she was having none of it.
Evidently I misjudged her motivations and what she needs. We have been talking about what makes her tick, I find that one of the most interesting aspects of a D/s relation the psychology of it. But I am not free of mistakes (ask melinda, who recently gave me the label "frustrating").
Time then to try to understand my sub... better... But wait, she calls her self a "no limit slave". Since I met saida I have talked a lot with her about her experiences and she has told me a lot about her previous life as slave, some anecdotes even multiple times. It was intense, in her words: "I had a had a hard life". In my assessment, yes she was a real slave. But not with me. We always had this disconnect where I saw her as sub and she saw her self as slave. One of the things it does was putting in the back of my head that I could not give her what she really needs. A: Being an on-line relation and she coming out of a real one. B: I am much softer then her previous Master. So why is this young beautiful woman hanging on to this on-line relation?? She is a "no limit slave" and she told me when we started it is very difficult to make her submit. It does not add up, she turned out very easy to dominate so far.
I have tried multiple times to get to bottom of this but I think her new situation and the break we had made it possible to understand it. She always used to say: "I have to do it" but she also said she needs humiliation to submit. As it turned out this humiliation thing has been the confusing factor. Ironically because we both use it for the same purpose. I like to humiliate a sub because it is a tool to get a sub to submit. The humiliation is a means to an end. Not the the end. But I was wrongly assuming she, who loves humiliation, was seeking the humiliation as end. In reality she needs it as means to an end as well. For her it is about "I have to do it". Now comes the surprise: Being a no limit slave does not mean the level of heart-ship she will want compared to a sub. It only means she needs to feel she is in a situation where she has to obey her Master. In fact she never ever refuses anything I ask, no struggle, no arguments, just compliance. That was eery for me in the beginning and also felt "clinical" and detached. But this is what she needs, exactly this behaviour. She also says she wants to be slave and not sub because a sub can refuse, and will push back. She does not like that and she does not like subs doing that.
Now comes the crux, who is not getting that? Or who is taking (too much) advantage?
With this I mean that for her to be a slave, the orders do not have to be harsh to the point to break her. She is so much in need of of this slave feeling "I have to do it" that she will do very extreme things. But that she did only to get the "slave" feeling, she was allowing her self to be pushed over the edge to get that feeling.
I was thinking I could not give her what she needs because I am not harsh enough and I was wondering why she was so easy to Dominate as clearly I could not be for her what she had in her previous relation. It turns out, the severity of the punishment or orders is not what she is longing. It is the slave feeling. And you do not have to be brutal to give that slave feeling. "I have to do it" can also work with orders that do humiliate but also take her situation in account. They can actually be very subtile, though she does need a challenge as well. This revelation was a game changer for me because for the first time I felt I was not on borrowed time and I could keep her in submission. And that feels so much better.
saida is a silly girl (she really is) but she is by no means stupid. Oh she loves to be called stupid cunt, but she is a Neurologist. That is hardly "stupid cunt stuff". she is apprehensive though to speak about neurology and BDSM. It is fascinating in my opinion and since she loves her job, and BDSM I wonder why she does not combine the two, at least in the theory. I asked her if she generates dopamine in her brain when she submits. And she reluctantly acknowledged that. I did not ask, but I will at some point. The question would be: "are you addicted to TTWD?" I think that is why she is apprehensive to dwell on neurology and BDSM. She sees too much suffering due to addictions at work. But if she will acknowledge her addiction to TTWD, I must ask my self the same question...