Monday, 17 February 2014

The turmoil after the turmoil

It is more then a month ago since I have written my last blog entry.
Lot of things did not happen that I intended to happen, but some did and on the whole things are positive but I have felt in a state of turmoil for way too long now and it still feels like that.

One positive intended thing that I consider my self lucky is that the transition from being partners to becoming just friends with melinda did end up in a soft landing (albeit with its own ups and downs as we go along as friends).

I did not intend to wait more then a month to blog again.
an other thing I did not intend but what I just did, perhaps in a knee-jerk reaction, is to make a new account in Collar-me. Yes the dreaded website of wannabes and pretenders. But still one of the few options to find a partner in TTWD. There are a few diamonds in the rough. After all melinda came from there as well. I actually made the profile expecting no result for a long time. getting a match there is nearly impossible.

So the next unintended (or rather intended but unexpected) positive thing that happened is that I met saida there. saida is a Spanish sub who refers to her self as slave. It is a bit steep to pretend to be slave, specially as our relation is on-line only for the moment, us being separated by thousands of kilometres. But her previous relation was for all intends and purposes an as near limitless M/s relation as it gets. I am also convinced that in her heart she feels like a slave, and that is probably what it is all about.

saida is trading down so to say as her own 3 year RL M/s relation recently came to an end she decided that an on-line relation would be the best way forward. Also she is not new to that as her Dom before the 3 year relation was on-line as well. But it must feel like trading down going from  real life to on-line and I as Dom am much less harsh and more compassionate. It has kept me wondering why she choose me (as according to my belief subs / slaves choose their Dom).
All subs / slaves are different and unique and saida is no exemption. The "feel" that saida gives as slave (lets call it) is very different and I had to get used to it. Or rather I am still getting used to it. saida needs deep humiliation and constant verbal abuse to keep her in check. You really have to stay on the straight and narrow with her, which I think is probably something I need my self to avoid the "cosy relation trap" I had with melinda. But when saida is treated as she should be, as slave and stupid cunt or silly slut, the results are very instant and very responsive. In other words this slut (as she is called by) will obey her Master admirably. Even to the point it almost feels clinical. It is hard to express but when us Doms push a sub or slave we want the feeling she is pushed, she is making a sacrifice. But with saida it almost all goes effortless (at least it feels like). It gives a strange feeling of almost a lack of feed back. It took a while for me to warm up to her and we had already one deep crisis, a collapse of trust. The distrust came from my side and was caused by a fake photo she send me. When confronted she said it was a mistake and she did not know how it came she send that photo up. Ironically I believe we needed this crises to establish a relation. I was an inch of pulling the plug on the whole relation when I demanded her to speak the truth. She thought it was over but made a last passionate description of her self and what she stood for. It was this explosion of emotions I have been missing in her and which restored the trust I have in her. The standing for her beliefs in-spite of the to her certain knowledge all was lost, is what made her reply so compelling. That was about 2 weeks ago and since then I have a feeling I am heading somewhere with this slave. There is much work ahead and it compares with peeling an onion. But I love onions, so for now I intend to keep peeling layer after layer until I get the guts, figuratively speaking.

This entry is a bit of a rambling summary. But I hope to be more concrete in the next entries. And I hope to make more frequent entries as well. That is the intension...


  1. I'm surprised how....difficult this was for me to read. But maybe it shouldn't come as a surprise, I remember how much I hated Brutus' blogpost about past subs he's had, and I was equally surprised then of my reaction to it.
    But hey I'm a masochist right? So, for as long as it is OK with Brutus, I will stick around, albeit with a caveat; if I can in any way sense it inhibits on the candour of the writing (or in any other way affects it), or if it has any illeffects of any kind, for anyone, for that matter, then I will leave.
    I am pleased to say though that Brutus and I are still good friends and I care deeply for him, and I can from the bottom of my heart say that I am pleased that he has found someone that can...fill my void so to speak (as self-righteous as that sounds!). And again, I am happy to see familiar "faces" here <3
    Finally I guess what really needs to be established is what the writer feels about it - I have no doubt I will be duely notified ;)

    1. OK melinda, I will make a blog entry. Mind you this blog has not been very active.

    2. What? I wasn't trying to push you to write a blogpost...?